Yesterday was an exhausting motherhood day. 30 or 35 years from now, you'll probably know exactly what I'm talking about. My physical stamina was challenged, my self worth was challenged, my faith was challenged, heck, even my sense of humor was challenged. It was hard, and I really needed a good night's sleep to recover, so when you decided to be up at 3 am, it was like a kick in the stomach.
I tried everything I could think of to get you back to sleep. 2 hours later, you were still fussing in your crib, and I was fuming in my bed, telling myself all sorts of unhelpful things like how unfair the whole situation was. When I was good and frothy, I catapulted myself out of my bed for the umpteenth time that night, marched into your bedroom, practically slammed the door behind me, whipped you out of your swaddling blanket and hoped beyond hope that you'd just soiled your diaper and we were a few deft diaper changing maneuvers away from dreamland. No so.
I held your dry, sweet smelling body at arms length and hissed, "What do you want?! What do you WANT, Juila?!" And then I cried. Huge heaving sobs. Exhausted, overwhelmed, self-loathing sobs. And I held you close and told you how sorry I was and how tired I was and how overwhelmed I was, and how I couldn't fathom facing another day after being up half the night.
And then you quieted, and you nestled your head right in between my neck and my shoulder and you held me. It was about the most healing thing I've ever experienced. We sat there for a good 5 or 6 minutes just holding each other and for a moment, we were sisters. I felt so clearly that you are a daughter of God, and so am I. That we're equals. Not in a "You can do what ever you want and walk all over me" way, but in a "I will respect you and love you enough to listen and get to know you and not just boss you around like an idiot." way.
After I calmed down, you reminded me that you yourself were not feeling so hot either, and it was my turn to soothe you again, but this time, I was OK with that. Somehow, those few moments of connection on a spirit to spirit level restored me enough to soothe you with real benevolence in my heart, and you (finally) drifted into a peaceful sleep. Soon thereafter, so did I.
Julia, yours is a strong, beautiful and loving spirit. You astound me with the goodness that seems to radiate from you. I can't wait to see you continue to blossom and grow and bless people's lives with that goodness. You've already been a giant blessing to mine.
I love you, sweetie.
Love,
Mommy
2 comments:
sigh.
how is is possible that millions of people have done this parenthood thing and survived?
This post reminded me of how grateful I am that we know what we know about the Plan.
(We're all feeling much better now. ALL of us had a good round of amoxicilline (sinus infections, double ear infections, strep, etc) and things are on the up-n-up, so we'll have to come over some time soon.)
Yes, thank goodness for God's Plan for us, and thank goodness for amoxicilline too! We'd love to have you over-just let me know when (or stop by and be prepared to see me in my jammies) ;)
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