Riding the Wave

I keep thinking I'm outta the woods with this depression thing, and then I walk right into a tree.
Bummer.
I have found that my depression comes in waves. Each wave seems to have it's own unique intensity and angle that it's coming from. I'm learning how to ride them. I'm building the skills, and each wave seems to be more and more manageable. But I still get wet. Sometimes I even get water up my nose.
Today was wet sort of day. One of the things I have committed to myself to do on depressed days is to keep moving. Even if it feels like I'm moving through molasses, I just keep moving. Its my way of sticking it to the depression-of telling it that maybe it can change the way I experience my day, but it sure as heck can't change the things I do in my day. So even though I felt like I was playing with my kids through a haze, I still played. Even though my heart wasn't behind all the goofy faces I made at Julia, I still made them, and you know what? She still laughed. And so did Rudy. And life went on, depression and all.

Even though I really wanted to just change back into my jammers and hibernate in the house all day, I bundled up the kids and went to play group. And I fixed three nutritious meals (even though I had a 15 minute debate within myself about whether I should just count the giant carton of fishies Rudy and I were nibbling from as dinner.) And I cleaned out the litter box, and framed some pictures.
And just to prove to my depression that it wasn't getting the best of me, I made that phone call to Medicaid I'd been putting off for 2 weeks. And I didn't even have to wait on hold for 45 minutes like I usually do! I was actually helped within 2 minutes of dialing the number. That has NEVER happened to me before. And so I smiled. And I thanked God. And I stuck it to my depression.
So, even though Julia was a bit more fussy today (When I'm depressed, I seem to lose my usual "maternal instincts" that help me keep a step ahead of her needs-so she has to alert me to them-like-"Hey Mom! I needed to eat/sleep/be changed ten minutes ago!")and even though my fuse was a bit shorter with Rudy than it usually is, I still mothered them. I still loved them, and they still loved me back. And maybe tomorrow I'll stay a bit more dry, but if I don't, I'll just keep moving. And life will keep rolling, and some day, I really will be outta the woods, and then I'll look back on them, and see how beautiful they are (from a distance). ;)
I love this quote:
"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now."
--William Hutchinson Murray, The Scottish Himalayan Expedition

That is so true. I am committed to finding and retaining greater peace than I've ever yet experienced. Greater happiness, greater satisfaction in life. And every time I really, truly reach for it, Jesus is right there with me; guiding me, strengthening me, opening the path before me.