A Silent Divorce

I've been silent in this space for a long while. Silent while I was trying to sort out this 'splendiferous' life of mine. Silent while I was figuring out if there really was anything splendiferous about it at all. Here are the conclusions I have come to so far:

1) The loss of my marriage does not equate the loss of my family, my lovability, nor my general goodness.

2) Even in the darkest moments in my life, my kids are still growing, learning, and rejoicing in life, and it's worth recording and celebrating.

3) It's OK, and actually essential, for me to figure out how to progress and grow out of the ashes of my failed marriage. I don't deserve to mire in the desolation, and my kids need a parent who is tuned in, positive, and hopeful for the future.

4) God is in the details of my life, and He has a plan for me, my kids, and Jason. He will take care of us whenever we let Him.

With these conclusions guiding my way, I've decided it's time to start recording our lives again. I want my kids to be able to look back on the good times of this period in our family history and not have to say, "Oh yeah, that was during the divorce...there's no pictures."

I'm gonna keep explanations simple, because this is not the place for details about what happened.

In October of this year, the divorce Jason and I had been hoping would not come to fruition finalized.
I still love him, I think I always will. Jason has some sorting out to do before he decides to have much contact with our kids. In the mean time, he's been faithfully paying child support since we separated in April, and for that display of fatherhood commitment, I will always be grateful.

The kids and I are living with my parents in Midway. It was a bit of a rocky landing, but for the most part it has been such a blessing to be able to move into their beautiful home, breathe in the fresh mountain air every day, and just get some space from my pain. The kids are thriving--it's like I've been pouring Miracle Grow on them or something. It's been so good to see them light up again after a few tough months at home while Jason and I were sorting out what to do with a failing marriage.

My parents have been like two awesome training wheels as I learn to find my balance as a single mom. They are there to steady me, and sometimes to hold me up completely, as I figure out what's next and deal with the pain and reality of divorce. I will be forever grateful for the way they have lovingly wrapped their arms around my little family and just loved and loved and loved us.

My plan for this space is to let it be the place were I record proof that there is, indeed, life after divorce. And joy, and laughter, and feelings of love and security. I will not be recording my hard days here. Please don't assume that I'm either being fake or that the divorce has not brought me to my knees in greif. This is just not the place to record those kinds of feelings. I want my kids and I to be able to look back on this blog and smile, and laugh. I want to protect my kids from the raw feelings that I'm going through, even when they are older. I want them to be able to look back on this part of our family history and relish the beauty that was all around us, so that is what I will be recording in these posts.

For some of you this news may come as a shock. It was shocking to me as well. A year ago, I would have never imagined that this is where I would find myself. Many times during this journey of discovery and decision making, I have felt like I was being dragged, my boot caught in the stirrup of a spooked horse. I have come to the realization that I have two choices, to get dragged through the dust, or to swing myself back up into the saddle and ride. I choose to ride. I thank all of you who are riding along with me.
And now, to get back to recording that SPLENDIFEROUS life of mine. I lost it for a while, but I'm finding it more and more each day. I can't help but find it when I have these two rockin' kids of mine leading the way!