A Silent Divorce

I've been silent in this space for a long while. Silent while I was trying to sort out this 'splendiferous' life of mine. Silent while I was figuring out if there really was anything splendiferous about it at all. Here are the conclusions I have come to so far:

1) The loss of my marriage does not equate the loss of my family, my lovability, nor my general goodness.

2) Even in the darkest moments in my life, my kids are still growing, learning, and rejoicing in life, and it's worth recording and celebrating.

3) It's OK, and actually essential, for me to figure out how to progress and grow out of the ashes of my failed marriage. I don't deserve to mire in the desolation, and my kids need a parent who is tuned in, positive, and hopeful for the future.

4) God is in the details of my life, and He has a plan for me, my kids, and Jason. He will take care of us whenever we let Him.

With these conclusions guiding my way, I've decided it's time to start recording our lives again. I want my kids to be able to look back on the good times of this period in our family history and not have to say, "Oh yeah, that was during the divorce...there's no pictures."

I'm gonna keep explanations simple, because this is not the place for details about what happened.

In October of this year, the divorce Jason and I had been hoping would not come to fruition finalized.
I still love him, I think I always will. Jason has some sorting out to do before he decides to have much contact with our kids. In the mean time, he's been faithfully paying child support since we separated in April, and for that display of fatherhood commitment, I will always be grateful.

The kids and I are living with my parents in Midway. It was a bit of a rocky landing, but for the most part it has been such a blessing to be able to move into their beautiful home, breathe in the fresh mountain air every day, and just get some space from my pain. The kids are thriving--it's like I've been pouring Miracle Grow on them or something. It's been so good to see them light up again after a few tough months at home while Jason and I were sorting out what to do with a failing marriage.

My parents have been like two awesome training wheels as I learn to find my balance as a single mom. They are there to steady me, and sometimes to hold me up completely, as I figure out what's next and deal with the pain and reality of divorce. I will be forever grateful for the way they have lovingly wrapped their arms around my little family and just loved and loved and loved us.

My plan for this space is to let it be the place were I record proof that there is, indeed, life after divorce. And joy, and laughter, and feelings of love and security. I will not be recording my hard days here. Please don't assume that I'm either being fake or that the divorce has not brought me to my knees in greif. This is just not the place to record those kinds of feelings. I want my kids and I to be able to look back on this blog and smile, and laugh. I want to protect my kids from the raw feelings that I'm going through, even when they are older. I want them to be able to look back on this part of our family history and relish the beauty that was all around us, so that is what I will be recording in these posts.

For some of you this news may come as a shock. It was shocking to me as well. A year ago, I would have never imagined that this is where I would find myself. Many times during this journey of discovery and decision making, I have felt like I was being dragged, my boot caught in the stirrup of a spooked horse. I have come to the realization that I have two choices, to get dragged through the dust, or to swing myself back up into the saddle and ride. I choose to ride. I thank all of you who are riding along with me.
And now, to get back to recording that SPLENDIFEROUS life of mine. I lost it for a while, but I'm finding it more and more each day. I can't help but find it when I have these two rockin' kids of mine leading the way!

"This is the BESTEST time I've ever had!"

"This is the BESTEST time I've ever had!" Rudy said as he, Jason, and I lay on the crispy grass in our back yard, looking up at the stars and talking about all the different things people of the past have thought about what those glowing orbs are. I taught Rudy about constellations, and he and Jason both identified their first ever constellation in the night sky: The Big Dipper. It was the first constellation I learned to identify as a child as well.
A few feet away, Jason's old Boy Scout tent patiently waited for us to FINALLY tuck ourselves inside for the night. Jason and Rudy had set it up around 10 am, because Rudy just couldn't wait until the evening to begin our camping adventure.
Around 9:15 (which is about an hour later than Rudy's 'late' bedtime), we finally nestled into the conglomeration of blankets and pillows we'd turned into a family bed inside the tent. Rudy remained nestled for about 30 seconds. 3 pee trips, 2 re-dispersals of the stuffed animals he'd brought out with him, and countless attempts at ignoring the 3 year old climbing all over us, whispering in our ears, yodeling in our ears, and rumaging through the tent, Rudy announced that he really just wanted to sleep in his own bed inside. It was about 10:30, and Jason and I were happy to oblige. Tucked into our own bed, with Rudy finally sleeping, Jason murmured,"Well, that was an epic fail."
 As our first attempt at a family camp out, perhaps the fact that Julia never even made it in the tent, and the rest of us abandoned the tent before sleep graced any of our eyes could be considered a fail. But as a family memory, it will be added to the list of  "bestest" times we've ever had. :)

Thank Goodness For The Good Days

Sometimes, our family really REALLY needs a good day together to remind us that we all love each other and are happy to be in this little family. We've been working around a variety of illnesses lately that have left one (or many) of us grumpy, irritable, and a little hard to live with. So yesterday morning when all of us seemed to be in good health and plucky spirits, we declared it a Grand Pirate Adventure day.

After breakfast, we fashioned our pirate alter egos: Rattlesnake Rudy, Jabbin' Julia, Despicable Daddy, and Mending Mommy (I was in charge of fixing whatever needed fixing on the pirate ship or whatever). We thoroughly enjoyed our morning working in the yard and periodically waging vicious pirate war on unsuspecting ships...although there was that time when, according to Rattlesnake Rudy, it took 'FOREVER' to 'swab the deck' (aka tidy the porch). Sigh. Even pirates have chores, you know. 

We planned to explore Pirate Island, a pirate themed equivalent to Chuck E Cheese in our area, for lunch. The food was mediocre, but the atmosphere rocked. Rudy had a blast exploring the different dining nooks, some of which were decorated to look like treasure filled caves. Even our visit to the bathroom was adventurous, leading us through a 'creepy tunnel' before releasing us to the loo. Rudy swaggered through the tunnel, brandishing his tinker toy sword with heroic courage, entering the loo with the cocky confidence of a full blown pirate captain. 

And then we were face to face with automatic flushing toilets. 

Suddenly, the cocky captain of a few minutes ago was gone, and a terrified 3 year old, pants around his ankles, was retreating out of the stall with amazing speed and agility, exclaiming, "Lets just get outta here!!!" Let me tell you, it was hard to respect his true terror and not bust out laughing at the hilarity of the moment. :)

After gathering his wits (and pants) about him, Rattlesnake Rudy was once again ready for action, and he spent the rest of the outing fighting off 'bad' pirates, rescuing maidens, and taking an occasional bite of bread stick to gratify his crew members.

Sigh. A day playing together as a family while still getting lots of 'chores' knocked out was just what we needed. What a blessing to get a chance to remember how fun having a family is. All the work and sacrifice is really worth it, isn't it?

Independence Day

Rudy taking a 'heroic' pose and showing his muscles in his skivvies.

On July 4th, Rudy declared independence from diapers. Boom, baby!!! Some of you may know how totally anxious I was about the whole potty training thing. We'd had several false starts over the last 18 months or so.  I was really hesitant about trying again, but also feeling really tied in knots about the fact that my 3 1/2 year old was still wearing diapers.
With some firmish 'nudging' from my lovely husband, I agreed to go cold turkey and simply tell Rudy that when his last diaper from the box was used up, we wouldn't be buying anymore, ever, and he would be wearing underwear from that time hence. I was surprised at how easily he took to the idea. Maybe the fact that we agreed to use the first $50 we saved in diaper money to purchase the ever longed for electric train set helped. :)
Within 3 days, Rudy was pretty much independent in his toileting skills. It was really no sweat, and kind of a non-issue for Rudy. None of this "look at me, I'm a big boy now" stuff. Just a switch of where his does his thing. Maybe some day I'll figure out that transitions are just a part of life and nothing to be fretted and stewed over for weeks/days before they occur. Maybe. ;)

Ode to Daddy

This post is a good month late. I've been putting it off trying to get a video we took on Father's Day to load, but I'm finally throwing in the towel and dropping the video idea. I don't want to miss lauding my excellent husband.  

See those two kiddos up there? They LOVE their Daddy, and he loves them. Jason  gets what being a Daddy is all about. He gets that dropping everything and chasing after a 'mean guy' with his 3 year old is sometimes the absolute most important thing he could do. He gets that rules and limits are important to hold...and sometimes important to bend. He gets how to help owies feel better, how to ease fears, how to coax belly laughs out of a grumpy baby. He gets that KNOWING his children takes time, attention, and earnest desire. And he gives all that to his fathering, to his children, to his wife. Sure, sometimes I have to remind myself that it's OK if Jason does things a bit differently while he's fathering than I do when I'm mothering, but in the grand picture, it's a joy to parent with him. 

Thank you, Jason, for putting everything you have into this little family. It shows. :)

Oh-Rudy made that Father's Day crown for Jason. Well, he designed it at least-chose the material and shape, directing me what to write where and what not. He was pretty proud of it. 

If only...

If only a full kitchen sink could always look this cute. 

"Can you just protect me?"

Jason and Rudy are forever playing rough and tumble games, usually involving a villain like an ogre or other such monster. When Jason's got Rudy hopelessly captured, he'll scream out "Save me!" and I'll use my "zap finger" to freeze or otherwise incapacitate his captor so Rudy can escape to fight another day. Often the story line will shift to the monster trying to get me or Julia and Rudy throwing himself between us and danger, valiantly declaring, "I'll protect you!" and then waving the magic wrench or whatever super powered weapon he's got that day at the foe to scare him away.

My little super hero has been pretty miserably sick lately. Wednesday night, he was up coughing and feverish most of the night. 

I'd exhausted all the remedies I know. We'd been to the doctor the day before, and I'd followed all his suggestions in helping my little guy weather through this illness. But it wasn't enough. He was still getting totally pounded by his cold. Around 6 am, completely exhausted, he lay his little feverish head on my lap and whispered, "Can you just protect me?"

I cradled him in my arms and did the last thing I could think of. I prayed. I told God about how I'd done everything I could think of to help my son, and how he still hurts and how badly he needed to be able to rest. I pleaded with God to comfort my son, to help him be able to sleep. Then I kissed Rudy and wished him sweet dreams as he snuggled into his pillow and closed his eyes. 

Rudy slept for 3 1/2 hours and woke with his fever under control. He was not miraculously healed, but he was comforted, and so was I. I know God lives. He knows and loves me and my little family. That's better than any magic weapon or zap finger. That's real power, and I'm so grateful to be blessed with God's love and light as I fumble my way through raising a family.