Valentine's Day 2013

Valentine's Day. I was happy to find that divorce did NOT spoil one of my favorite holidays for me. Probably because it's never been about having a wildly romantic day for me. It's about being with people you love, celebrating the beauty of the relationships you have, and taking a moment to just grin with the thought of all the LOVE that's swirling around in the world.

I made the Rudy and Julia progressive Valentines this year, and I think I'll turn that one into a tradition. I had fun thinking of specific things that I love about my children, and Rudy and Julia had fun finding new links to their chains and seeing my love for them grow every day. In fact, Rudy said, next year, instead of doing 10 things you love about us, lets do 1,000 things, OK? Ha! I'm thinking we'll stick with ten. ;)

Rudy's preschool hosted a Valentine's Dance for their students. The kids were invited to dress up for the event, and taught proper dance ettiquite in circle time just before the dance began. ("Could I have this dance, please?" Yes, thank you! or No, thank you.)  The ladies from the beauty salon next door came in and did the girls' hair in beautiful braids and ribbons, and made the boys' hair 'cool'. What an awesome community I live in!

It was great fun to see the kids trying on a new social setting for size. During each of the 3 or 4 songs played, there was at least one kid who was upset/overwhelmed with the social demands of being at a dance, but the teachers and parents did a great job soothing and supporting those kids as they learned to master some new skills. Boy do I wish I would have got that kind of training in preschool. Maybe I wouldn't have ducked out into the hall for visit to the loo, or to get a drink of water, or to get some 'fresh air' every time a couples dance was played at the church dances I went to as a teen. :) I sure love Rudy's preschool. They have been such a light in his life, and mine and Julia's even.

Bonsai Hair Styling

I've decided to start a new style sensation: BONSAI HAIR STYLING. Perfect for all those little girls out there who just haven't been endowed with luscious locks of hair just yet.

Julia has been pining-seriously PINING- for her turn to get her hair cut. She sees Rudy and me get our hair cut every couple of months and it's just been killing her that it's been 2 whole YEARS and she has had not a single hair on her head trimmed.

So, today after baths, I pulled out my fabric scissors and trimmed the wisps of hair that were sort of dangling past her hair line in the back of her head. I collected all the hair I'd cut with one little pinch of my fingers, and deposited it on the most handy bit of white background I could find so I could take a quick picture of Julia's first hairs cut.

It turned out to be the back of my stamp book, which is bonsai themed. "How appropriate," I thought, and snapped the picture. I wish I had a picture of my lovely little girl sporting her first ever hair cut, but my camera batteries went dead. Bed time needed to march steadily on, so you'll just have to imagine how she looks missing about 20 one inch strands of hair from the back of her head. 

That's right: 

just as adorable as always. ;)

The Ice Cave Adventure

A while back, Rudy and I discovered this instruction page on the Boy's Life website. We decided right then and there that as soon as we got some decent snow to work with, we'd be building ourselves a snow cave and sleeping inside it. Our anticipation grew as winter progressed. At last, the grand weekend arrived: enough snow, enough time, and even Aunt Keala staying the weekend, giving us freedom to keep working even after Julia was ready to tap out.

Two days, oodles of wet gloves and even more cups of hot chocolate later, we had created our first ever Quinzee. Not quite like the info page, but close. We are both quite pleased with the way it turned out for our first snow shelter ever constructed. Even though the forcast was for 2 digits below zero that night, Rudy and I decided to give our shelter a go. We bundled up, brought out all the spare bedding we could fit in our little cave, and armed ourselves with hot chocolate in a thermos. We also agreed that if we weren't warm and toasty, then it would be perfectly acceptable and 'in the plan' for us to relocate our Mommy-Rudy snow campout date into my bedroom.

We lastet 60 glorious minutes out there before deciding that we just weren't going to make it to the warm and toasty level of comfort in the snow cave. Neither of us were dreadfully frigid, but we didn't want to wait for that to happen, just to be safe. (Sleeping while fighting hypothermia is ALWAYS a losing battle.) So, we trucked back in, received a hero's welcome from my parents, shed our massive amounts of clothing, and tucked into my bed.

Sleeping with a 5 year old AND a cat in a twin bed (Rufus refused to relinquish his claim on the bed, despite all the accidental pokes and pushes he received as we tried to settle ourselves.) made for a long night and a short sleep but it was fun, none the less.

Rudy and I had an epic weekend together, living out a dream we'd held for maybe a month or two. And that, most definitely, was worth the 'moving through jello' feeling of exhaustion the next day. :)

Brand New TP User

Ladies and gentlemen, the Splendiferous Drummonds are happy to announce that every last one of us are turned on to TP! That's right, no more crinkly, stinkly diapers for us. We are all bona fide, true blue toilet users. (Can I get a yee HAW!?)

Julia and I embarked on the Big Switch over Christmas break, when I'd be home more and not have to feel so guilty about leaving my parents with a wet (or worse) time bomb to babysit. It also helped that Julia's lovely cousin, Michaela stayed a few days with her family here, and Julia got to see Michaela (who is not quite 1 year older than her) use the toilet with style and constancy that were truly enviable.

I bought Julia training underwear (those thick cotton cuties) ;) just like Michaela's, put a no dipes unless sleeping rule on the table, and went at it. For the first few days, it was all about cleaning up messes. I *almost* caved and considered offering chocolate chip rewards for bottom on the toilet time, but resisted. (Hey, I had just participated in a Food Revolution meeting in which we were strategizing how to convince teachers that kids really, truly do NOT need food rewards to motivate positive behavior. How could I preach one thing, and do another?*)

*OK OK, I have to confess that we are still weaning off of chocolate chips first thing in the morning if the kids follow their sleep rules the night before....but that came into being BEFORE I learned how much better life can be without tying food to things not relating to nutrition.

ANYWAY...I persevered, telling myself that that this messy part of the learning process was, indeed, PART OF THE LEARNING PROCESS, and that Julia was learning important things, even if her behavior didn't quite show that yet.  I wanted to stick to my guns about making learning to use the toilet all about mastering an important self care skill. We did lots of talking about listening to our bodies, and giving them what they need, etc. I found myself making unusual statements like "Hey, Julia, guess what my body's telling me? It's telling me it has some peeps to get rid of, and I am going to listen to it! Wanna come with me?"

Finally, about 4 days into it, we got our first 'catch'. Julia caught her peeps in the potty instead of in her underwear. HooRAY! After that break through, things moved along at a marvelous pace, and today we are footloose and diaper free. (Except for bed and nap times. She's probably ready for that too, I just need to get a second water proof cover for her bed so we can make middle of the night changes if needed.)

So, there you have it, the latest, greatest Drummond family news. Huzzah! :)

A Divorce Story

I felt really strongly about creating a divorce story for my children, almost like a birth story. 

Sometimes this divorce feels like a beautiful rebirth. Sometimes it feels like a brutal murder. It just depends on where my head and heart are each day. 

I'm getting to feel more and more at peace about it, though, and I'm coming to accept our new normal. With that acceptance comes a greater ability to communicate with my children about the divorce in a positive way.  

This is a story I hope we will be able to come back to again and again. Something we can hold onto as questions and concerns rise up for my kids through the years. A bit of North Star for orienting ourselves to the major change that happened for our family in 2012.

Dear Rudy and Julia,

This is the story of how our family changed when you were 4 and 1. But let's start with how our family began in the first place.

A long time ago, soon after I came home from my mission, and WAY before either of you were born, I met the most marvelous man. We did things together. We talked and talked. We laughed and cried. We fell in love.

When Daddy and I decided to get married we were SO excited. We had big plans about how our family was going to be. On our honeymoon, we named ourselves the SPLENDIFEROUS DRUMMONDS. We knew great things lay ahead of us, and we were excited to experience them together. One of the most exciting things we looked forward to was becoming parents.

Being a parent is a big job, so we wanted to be sure we were ready. Finally, after 3 years Heavenly Father gave us you, Rudy, and we were so happy to have you in our family. 3 years later, He blessed us with you, Julia, and this time, three of us were so happy to welcome you: Daddy and I, and Rudy, a proud big brother. Our family had grown, we had two wonderful children, and we loved being your parents.

(Photography by the beautiful and talented Keala Jarvis)

But things weren't working so well in Daddy’s own life anymore. He had run into some tough traps that were making it harder and harder for him to be the kind of husband and daddy he wanted to be. Daddy and I worked hard together to try to help him start making better choices, but he just wasn’t ready to change yet. He still had lots of things to sort out in his life, and we both knew that all that stuff was hurting our family.

Daddy loves us too much to keep us in a place that hurts, so he let us go, and agreed that a divorce was the best thing for our family. He was so sad that he couldn’t get better faster, and so sorry that he had gotten stuck in such a hurtful trap. It was a hard decision, because it meant that Daddy wouldn't be living with us anymore, and that I wouldn't get to be his wife, and he wouldn't get to be my husband anymore. 

At first I was really scared about it, but Heavenly Father helped me to know that divorce was the best thing for all of us. Sad as divorce is, the Holy Ghost helped me to remember that Jesus would comfort all of us: Daddy, me, and both of you, Rudy and Julia. He reminded me that Jesus is powerful enough to save us all, and that no matter how hard and sad divorce is, Jesus would never leave us alone. He has been, and always will be there for each of us as we heal and recover from the divorce. Knowing that Jesus would guide us through helped the divorce not hurt as much. But it still hurts a lot, sometimes, doesn't it?

Sometimes I am so sad that things didn't turn out the way that Daddy and I had dreamed they would. Sometimes I see that you both are sad, too. That's OK. Divorce is sad. But it doesn't have to be sad all the time, does it?

Sometimes we have tons of fun together, in our new family, with Oma and Opa, and Sam, or with just the three of us. Sometimes, it's exciting to live in the mountains, and see so much beauty every day.

 But other times, the beauty is hard to see, because we still miss the way things used to be. And that's OK. Missing our life when Daddy was living with us is OK. As more time passes, our hurts will heal, bit by bit. And Jesus and Heavenly Father will be with us the whole time. They will help us to feel love, and peace, and joy. And so will our other family members who love us. Can you think of some people that love you? I bet you can think of tons of people...let's see if we can even fit them on both your hands.

Now our family looks different than it did before, but it is still SPLENDIFEROUS. Lots of great things still lay ahead of us. I will still look forward to every day I get to be your mom, forever and ever. And Daddy will keep working to be the daddy he wants to be for you. I know Jesus will help Daddy when he is ready. We'll each have hard days, but that's OK, because we are the Drummonds, and Drummonds can do HARD THINGS!

I love you both.

love, 

Mommy

December 12 2012

A True Friend With True Grit

I heard of a dear friend's death today. She and I have been friends for over 6 years. Phyllis saw me through new motherhood, a move to my first home, postpartum depression, divorce, and my search for direction afterward. She showed me by example what it means to be a beautiful, strong, benevolent woman full of true grit. She held my hand and told me what a great woman I was when I needed to hear it most. She allowed me to serve her when it felt like everyone was serving me. She was a pillar of encouragement, strength, positivity and love for me in some very formative years in my life. She will always be a part of what is best in me.

Here is her obituary:

Phyllis Millar Hansen 
(December 26, 1926 - December 26, 2012) 

Phyllis Millar Hansen, mother, grandmother and great-grandmother passed away peacefully on her birthday, December 26, 2012 at age 86. She died of complications incident to a stroke. Born in Blackfoot, Idaho on December 26, 1926, she was the oldest child of Z. Reed Millar and Urania Berthelson. She was raised in Boise, Idaho and married Clyde Winston Hansen in the Idaho Falls Temple on August 1, 1949.

She dearly loved her family, and found great fulfillment in being a parent to her seven children, a grandmother to 29 grandchildren, and great-grandmother to 17 great-grandchildren. She was a life-long devoted member of the LDS Church, and drew great strength through her life from the gospel of Jesus Christ. Her strength is reflected in the legacy she has left to her children, extended family, and friends. Upon retirement, Phyllis served a full-time proselyting mission in Tucson, Arizona.
After raising her children, she returned to BYU to get a Masters Degree in Social Work. She was involved with the hospice program in Utah Valley from its inception. She has counseled families through the death and dying process, and has blessed numerous lives. She conducted many bereavement groups which assisted people to deal with the grief associated with the loss of loved ones.
In her advanced years, Phyllis loved being involved in Elder Quest, an organization for people in their golden years to continue learning. She served as president of the organization. For many years she taught “Becoming a Better You” class. She loved the relationships she made in that organization.
The family expresses gratitude for the Courtyard at Jamestown, where she was blessed by a loving and caring staff who cared for her needs.
Phyllis is survived by Leslie (Guy) Probert, Provo, UT; Scott (Lori) Hansen, Provo, UT; Patrice (Edward) Attryde, Ft. Duchesne, UT; Kevin (Kara) Hansen, Phoenix, AZ; David (Debi) Hansen, American Fork, UT; Andrew (Tresa) Hansen, American Fork UT; and Dwight (Patrice) Hansen, Heber City, UT. Additional survivors include her siblings Robert Millar, Carol Ann (James) Shepherd, and Steven Millar.
Phyllis is preceded in death by her sister Marjorie Luke, and brother Z. Reed Millar Jr.
Funeral services will be held Saturday, December 29, 2012 at 1 p.m. at Sundberg Olpin Mortuary, 495 S. State St., Orem, Utah. A viewing will be held prior the funeral from 11:30 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. Interment will be in the Orem City Cemetery.

"Be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed..."

"for the Lord thy God is with thee, withersoever thou goest."  Joshua 1:9

Through the holiday season, Rudy's emotions had been tumultuous. I could tell he was working through his grief over the divorce at a new level within himself, but Rudy was not willing, or maybe not even able, to discuss anything deeper than the surface reasons for his emotional outbursts or withdrawals. ("It made me sad when you said I couldn't watch another episode of Kratt Brothers"...etc)

I tried my best to align myself with who Rudy is, and prepare myself to see and sense when he was trying to reach out. On his birthday, I was prompted to write out a "Divorce Story".  It is the story of our family, and the metamorphosis it has gone through over this last year. In some ways, it felt like writing a eulogy. In others, it felt like writing a birth story. It was an incredibly healing experience for me to write out my story the way I want to be able to tell it to my children. I wasn't ready to share it with them yet, though. I set it aside and let it be.

Maybe a week later, I felt prompted to tweak my story to be a bit more specific about what is going on with Jason, and to include in it the incredible love he must have for us to let us go and not fight to keep us in his life, which has become rather toxic. I felt the love he must have for the children almost like an adoptive parent must feel the love of the birth parents who have given their child to her. I tweaked the story and set it aside again, still not ready to share.

A few days later, out of the blue, my Divorce Story came to my mind and I discussed it and shared it with my parents and my brother and sister in law. I practiced reading it out loud, and tweaked it a little bit more.

The very next night, Rudy was ready to face and share his feelings. It was about 9 pm when he opened up and admitted that he is angry and full of sadness about the divorce. He admitted it like he felt terrible for having those feelings, like if he was angry at Daddy, it was his fault Daddy was absent in his life. Rudy seemed to feel so much shame at not just being full of pure love for Daddy and even me.

We talked for a while, he in his bed and me at his bedside. I told him I'd had all sorts of angry feelings at Daddy and even God, though I love both of them. I told him some of the things I did to help me get that anger out so that it wouldn't hurt my heart. One of them was screaming into the vastness of nature. Finding a place that felt big enough for all my feelings and then just letting them all come out through my voice and body. Rudy really latched onto that idea. I told him I'd take him somewhere to let it all out in the morning. He asked if we could just go do it now.

In my head, I thought, "It's 9:30 at night, way past Rudy's bedtime already, dark, cold, and windy outside. This will have to wait until the morning!" But into my heart whispered, "Go now." So, we went. We got all geared up with our winter wear, headlamps, and handwarmers, and set out to scale Memorial Hill once again, trusting we would find some healing atop the hill which had already become significant to us earlier in the year.

I brought my little single jogger with us, and Rudy squished his big 5 year old self into it. I wrapped a blanket around him and got him all tucked in like I used to when he was a year old and we were out and about in the winter. As we wound around the hill, I asked Rudy if he'd like to hear more about our divorce story. He responded with great interest, and I realized how much he'd been yearning for a better understanding of what the heck happened to our family, and why.

Having just reviewed the story I'd been refining over the past several weeks, it was fresh on my mind and easy to share with him. I didn't have to fumble for words or wonder if I was telling him too much or too little. I felt totally prepared for the moment.

Rudy and I shared beautiful, sacred, forever memorable experiences and feelings on that hill that night. I could feel God's watchful and loving presence with us, and so could Rudy. We came off Memorial Hill different people. Better connected with each other, and better connected with our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I tucked Rudy into bed and he slid into peaceful sleep almost immediately and woke with a sense of hope, understanding, and connection that he had been lacking before.

I felt so supported, so strengthened, and so guided through the whole experience. Typically, I would be uncomfortable to be out in the dark night, alone, hiking up a hill with my son. I asked my brother, Jake and my dad to park at the bottom of the hill and just be sure no one decided to hike up behind us, and then I felt totally peaceful and able to focus on reaching out to my son and to God. That's just not typical for me. I knew that God was comforting me and helping me not to be fearful so that I would be able to connect with my son in the way Rudy needed right then.

I feel so blessed to be able to see the hand of God in my life. I know that the Holy Ghost prompted and guided and prepared me so that I would be ready to bless my little boy's life in a meaningful way when the time was right. This experience gives me so much hope and confidence in the future. I know that God is at the head of my family. I don't have to raise these kids on my own. Our Heavenly Father is there for us. He will always be there for us.