Learning to morn

This is Jason.

I don't think I know how to morn. I've been so blessed in my life. I hadn't lost anyone close to me before today.

I didn't know what to feel, or how to feel this late afternoon when I got the call at work from Maria. I'd tried to prepare myself in the couple of hours before, as I anticipated the worst and hoped hopelessly for the best. When she told me the news I wanted to jump out of the situation I was in. I didn't want to be at work, "raising" other people's children. I didn't want to be surrounded by damaged children arguing over mundane and (what in the moment seemed to me like) petty problems. I wanted to be with Maria and Rudy. I wanted to hold them, I wanted to comfort them. I wanted not to have to hold them and comfort them; I wanted everything to be un-wronged somehow. I felt waves of sorrow hitting me like an ocean that I had to suppress so I could do my job long enough to leave and get to my family.

I don't want to morn. I know I'm supposed to morn; the scriptures tell all about how morning is a Christian attribute. But I don't want to learn to morn; I don't want to learn like this. I'm sure there isn't any more effective way; but I still don't want to learn.

I miss a person I never met, and was never going to meet. From the beginning Maria and I have pictured this child as a little girl. I have already, as I'm sure every expecting couple does, pictured this child's life. Seen her born, and pictured her growing up; imagined fond memories and experiences that I now feel I've been robbed of. That makes me angry. I'll never get to hold this little girl on my lap, have her snuggle against me, and fall asleep. That makes me sad. I don't understand why this has happened. That makes me confused.

What good comes of morning?

Only Christ must truly know exactly how this feels. I'm blessed with two sets of parents who have had the full spectrum of parenting experiences and they, I'm sure, can sympathize and be a wonderful support. But they aren't in this experience with Maria and me. Only Heavenly Father and Christ truly can comfort us as we stand in need of so much comfort. Heavenly Father loses untold number of His children daily. If I can find a way to turn my heart and soul more fully towards Him and Christ, I know they can teach me to morn in a way that will help me to be filled with growth and comfort from this experience.

I think now I'm ready to learn to morn.