Sigh. Ever have those times when you have so much to think about that you just don't feel like writing? Like all your thoughts are still marinating as concepts, waiting to be ready for words?
Jason says he has no idea what I'm talking about. Maybe that's just one of the inherent differences between he and I, or maybe it's a man/woman difference. Who knows? Jason seems to be very good at thinking through one thing, finishing it off, and then starting another. Not me-I'm mostly just juggling a myriad of thoughts all at once, and every now and then, something fully formed drops from the act and lands with sweet ripeness at my feet.
I'm not sure that I've got anything really ripe to write about as of yet, but my juggling is getting tiresome, and sometimes it helps to set the stage for action by beginning to write, so here I am, writing, without much in particular to say.
Every six months, my church does a General Conference, in which many of the general worldwide church leaders speak. Some of the leaders included are our prophet and the quorum of the twelve apostles, who we believe to be special witnesses of Christ, and whose words, when spoken in the name of Christ, we revere as scripture. So it's like receiving new scripture every 6 months. Scripture absolutely tailored to the needs of the world at that very moment, and in the future.
It's such a blessing to me, if I let it be. Sometimes I begin to take it for granted, and don't study the talks as much as I should, or don't act on the promptings that I feel from the Holy Ghost as I'm listening to the counsel. But sometimes I do, and every time I manage to follow the Word of God, (whether from ancient or current prophets), I am overwhelmed with the blessings that are poured down on me and my little family.
The last General Conference took place over Easter weekend. So many of the talks focused on strengthening the family, and parents' responsibility to teach their children faith in Christ.
During the conference, it's like a miracle began to take place within me. I'd been harboring some really strong negative feelings towards someone in my life for months-to the point that it was affecting my spirituality, and influencing Jason negatively, and pretty much just souring the world to me (0r me to the world).
During conference, somehow, my heart softened enough to listen to the Holy Ghost once more. It softened enough to allow me to decide that my vengeful hate was DEFINITELY NOT worth it, nor was it anywhere near helping me to be a worthy follower of Christ. I finally had the desire to let it go. And with that desire came power. The power to let it go, to move on, to work through my feelings and seek love to replace the hate.
I can't say I love quite yet, but I at least don't hate anymore, and that's a huge blessing for me, and for my family. How could I lead my children in a Christian lifestyle while harboring Satanic feelings? How could I put my loving relationship with Jason first in my life if I was pouring all my energy into a hateful one with someone else? How could I seek to know Christ while spending so much time emulating the Adversary?
So I've been doing a lot of inner work. A lot of exploration. A lot of changing, through the Grace of God. I still have quite the journey ahead, but I feel so much peace that I'm finally turned in the right direction, at least. I feel so much gratitude towards my Savior, for paving the path I have chosen, for making it possible to make course corrections along the way, and for being so present in my life, the moment I invite Him to be.
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Rather than make another post, I'll just tack this story on here-it sorta relates to my previous thoughts anyway.
This morning I felt so blessed with a little message from Heaven. A little reminder that God loves me and is aware of my every day life, and my innermost desires.
Marla, an old college roommate and renewed friend of mine, and I have been working at a training program to have us ready to run a 10K by July 4th, baby and all. It's been so fun, and so rewarding-a reminder to me that I can do hard things, even when I'm pregnant and bit on the grumpy side. ;)
Today was a scheduled run day, and the forecast sounded terrible. Cold, rain, "gusts" of wind. Just miserable. We deliberated the night before about what we should do. After much discussion, we finally decided just to face whatever nature had to dish out as bravely as we could. 5:15 am rolled around this morning, and after listening to gusts of wind beat at our house all night, I was surprised to wake to birds singing sweetly outside my window. I peeked outside. Calm as a summer's morning-not a drop of rain in sight, and warm enough to contemplate heading out in just a t-shirt. We headed out and enjoyed probably the best running weather we've had for the whole 5 weeks we've been doing this thing. Just as we were finishing up our workout, the wind picked up and little raindrops began to fall. Within 2 hours of finishing, the wind was blowing my neighbor's shed door open and hail was pummeling the earth.
Sigh. It just felt like God saying, "Hey- I know this is important to you, I know you'd persevere through tough weather if you had to, but today, you don't have to. I'll stay the storm for just a bit, just to let you know I'm aware of you, personally, and I care." He doesn't always stay the storm, but when He doesn't, you can bet He's ready with some hot cocoa and a warm fire should we take the time and care to come to Him.
Running in perfect weather on a day it should have been miserable is a little thing, I know, but it helped me to remember that God is 100% aware of everything that's going on with me, and He'll help me through my tough journey to forgiveness and love as well as my little struggles to maintain fitness during pregnancy. And really, what can I ask of His providence more?
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