The Space Between

I don't know if I'll publish this entry or not, but I just HAVE to write it. I can't NOT write about something I'm thinking about every 45 seconds.

I'm in that space between my fertile time of the month and my next cycle. Most of the time, this space is simply cherished non-bloated, cramp free bliss.

But this is not most of the time.

This is one of those times when minutes, hours, and days creep by so so slowly because I'm waiting for my body to tell me whether it has accepted my suggestion that we (as in my body and I) should nurture a child into life.

It's one of those times when my body and I can sometimes disagree. Mild disappointment comes when I discover my body has decided this was not the month to be fertilized.

But now I fear more than mild disappointment. I fear knowledge, so freshly found, that my body can go back on it's decision to go along with my plans at any moment in the pregnancy; that two pink lines don't necessarily mean that a baby comes nine months later.

This is the first month that Jason and I have decided to invite pregnancy back into our lives. We'll know within a week whether it has accepted the offer. I'm full of so many emotions that if I were a movie I'd be one of those that you leave feeling exhausted, because you've been jerked around the emotional map all two and half hours.

Part of me thinks I'll be relieved if I'm not pregnant. It means I have at least one more month before I have to face nine months of touch and go possibilities for great joy or deep sorrow. One more month before I'm so completely vulnerable to biology again.

The prospect of perhaps being pregnant has dredged up so many emotions from my miscarriage. Somehow, if I'm pregnant, it means that my miscarriage is all the more real. That I have to say goodbye all over again. That I'm moving on.

I do want to move on, it's just painful, somehow.

I'm excited at the thought of cuddling a new baby, going through all those new to the world experiences with him or her. I'm excited to teach Rudy what it means to be a sibling, and to watch (and coach) as my children build their relationship into cherished friendship. I'm excited to meet a new little soul who will nestle himself or herself into my heart forever.

But I'm not giddy this time.

I miss giddy.

I read a book the other day. A picture book I found at the library while browsing with Rudy. (Can I just say the library is a seemingly limitless source of discovery? I LOVE the library. It's probably my favorite government institution ever.) The book is called Micheal Rosen's Sad Book. It's about the author (Micheal Rosen) and how he deals with the intense sorrow that losing his son brought into his life. Kind of a heavy topic for a children's book, huh? But he wrote it so beautifully, so thoughtfully, so simply, that even Rudy could identify with some of what he was saying.

My heart seemed to sync up with Mr. Rosen's and beat right along side his for the 30 or so pages of the book. There is something so sweet, so refreshing, about looking right at sorrow and acknowledging it's presence. I highly recommend the book, and the exercise.

I guess I can see this vulnerability as an opportunity to solidify my trust in God. I can focus on turning my will to God's and trusting that He will continue to cradle me as his always has, through cloud and sunshine.

But somehow, right now, I just don't want to be vulnerable. I want to see my whole life unfolding in perfect, sunny conditions. I want to be able to check in with God, not cling to Him for comfort. Maybe that's what I need to work on in the next little bit.

I know this journey towards getting pregnant, progressing through pregnancy, and birthing a healthy child can be filled with either anxiety and fear, or with quiet faith in God. I want the latter, I do...I just have to find my way to it.

The Latest Tank Update

Jason teases me because I can't seem to be content with setting up a tank and letting it be. I'm constantly rearranging, day dreaming, tweaking. Well, here's the latest tweak:

I got sick of feeding 3 phantom cory catfish. They never came out because Rufus was totally stalking them. I swear he had some sort of sixth sense and came busting out from around the corner, ready to bat at the glass the minute one of those guys scurried out to grab a bite to eat. Ridiculous.

Bruce (the Betta) is full enough of himself that he just flounces his precious little fins in front of Rufus, as if to say, "Hey Doofus- I mean Rufus- when you gonna figure out there's GLASS between us?"

Anyway, an incurable case of brown algae on top of the phantom fish issue sealed the deal on losing the 10 gallon tank. It just got too much natural light where it was, but there was really no other viable option for location. So I tore down the tank, brought my corys back to the pet store, and housed Bruce back into his 2.5 gallon condo. He's happy as a clam-I think he may even enjoy not having to work so hard to get to the top of the tank to eat (he's a bit lazy).

The pet store will usually buy back fish at a discounted price, but this time they had so many corys they told me they would just take them from me as a favor. As much as I appreciated having them off my hands, I felt a bit lame giving them 3 perfectly healthy and beautiful fish for nothing, knowing they'd turn around and sell them at $4 a pop. So I instigated a trade.

I made sure to have some good quality tank talk with the fish dude on duty that afternoon before I asked if he'd at least trade me an African dwarf frog for the trio I'd brought in. Deal! Awesome. I've been wanting to try an aquatic frog in my Betta tank, and now here's my chance to do it for free! (sorta)

Bruce and Wally are getting along swimmingly, and I'm again happy with the tank (for now) ;)

Rudy's Quest for Diaper Freedom

As in, the freedom to wear the same diaper all day, everyday. NOT freedom from diapers, unfortunately.

Off and on, this kid decides he's not to have his bum messed with-ever. He can get pretty assertive about it. Sigh. It's pretty annoying, if you ask me. We've tried all sorts of approaches to try to resolve the situation, but almost inevitably, it ends up being a muscle our way through it ordeal.

Rudy, for his part, has tried all sorts of ways to help us understand we have no business changing him. Most of his efforts are just plain obnoxious, but this evening, he came up with a pretty hilarious solution: to get 'stuck'.

Thank goodness for that burst of humor to get us through the next few kicking, screaming and hissing diaper changing episodes!

And it begins...

Rudy has officially merged from baby to boy; he disassembled his first toy today.

I always thought the difference between boys and girls was SO nurture vs. nature. I thought we all train our boys to have certain interests and our girls to have others. I must admit, I have conveniently forgot to remind Rudy that he was dead set on painting his nails after his bath (when I totally would have reminded a daughter). For the most part, though, I've tried to stay pretty neutral about Rudy's interests, so that he feels free to express them and act upon them as he sees fit.

Since he was strong enough to move his head, he's been turning it toward cars. He's been interested in wheels, gears, screws, tools, and all things mechanic. He can mimic with relative accuracy the different engine sounds a motorcycle, truck, car, or airplane make. His first few words were car, go, and wheel.

So it doesn't surprise me that his first adventure in figuring out how things work was played out upon his favorite toy car. Intensely concentrating, he meticulously picked the thing apart, and inspected each piece, as if to further understand it's function.

I walked into the room to find the project underway, and so unfortunately, didn't have the chance to warn Rudy that sometimes when we take things apart, they just don't go back together. He was so interested in the disassembled toy, however, that it didn't seem to bother him that the pieces wouldn't permanently stick back together.

We'll see how he feels about it in the morning.

Trying to be inconspicuous

I walk into the room, and see Rudy with that 'look' on his face.

I non-chalantly ask,"How's it goin'?"

Rudy replies, "NO..."

"I'm not pooping."

Sigh. He's about as good a liar as I am.

I guess I'd better go clean up my 'non-pooping' son. :)

Toys

I've been reading and thinking a bunch about the toys I provide for Rudy to play with. More and more, I'm excited about open ended toys. Things that can be ANYTHING, you know? Like sticks, wooden blocks, rocks, pine cones. Maybe I'm sounding a bit, well...granola to you.

When I started talking to Jason about how I'd like to provide more 'natural' toys for Rudy, he was pretty hesitant, thinking maybe I was going overboard on my ambitions to be 'one with the earth'.

Let me explain. I'm not saying I'm gonna pack up all his cool dump trucks, Little People, and hot wheels. I'm just saying that I'd like them to be more of a garnish to his playthings, instead of the main course.

I don't think I even need to do much differently because kids naturally invent ways to play with every day things. I just need to give him the space and freedom to explore the ways he can interact with his world, without too much direction from me. (As in, "Let's go play outside-what would you like to do? Instead of, "Let's go draw spiders with sidewalk chalk!" )

I'm experimenting a bit, and it's been fun to watch the adventures he creates for himself. I just can't get over how cool kids are-the more I can absorb from my little man- the better a person (and the happier) I'll be.

Playing with Kapla blocks at Tante MaryBeth's house. It's just box full of same size blocks, but you can do so much with them! They're totally entertaining for toddlers AND grown ups. :)

Playing 'house' with Sweat Pea.

Having a ride in the wheel barrow.

Exploring other ways to play with the wheel barrow.

This wooden spool brings back so many memories for me. We had one in our backyard when I was about Rudy's age. It turned into just about anything you could think of. An ice cream machine, a boost up to the lowest branches of our tree, a dining table, even a grand fish hotel. (I had a phase when I created dozens of little fish made from barely filled water balloons, and set up extravagant accommodations for them.) :)

Daddy Time

Jason and I were talking the other day about how few pictures and stories we have of him on the blog. So here's our attempt to begin evening things out a bit. :)

Jason and Rudy have a special game they love to play together. It's especially cool in the back yard, though indoors will do in a pinch.

The game:

"They're coming!!! Run! Run! Run!"

"They" could be monsters, trolls, sharks, alligators...whatever sounds particularly cool to either of them at the moment.
The rules: Run like mad if one or the other says "they" are coming. Keep running until one or the other establishes a 'safe' spot by proclaiming "We made it!" Repeat the process for as long as you wish. If you want to spice things up a bit, you could add a moment or two of 'hiding' in between the running and making it.

Simple games are always the best, huh?