New Hair

So, I've always wanted to dye my hair. Not blond or any other 'natural' color. Pink, or orange, or purple or something. I've wanted to do it since I was like twelve or something. But I couldn't, because that's just not what a stake president's daughter does. Or what a faithful young woman does, or a BYU student, or a new professional, or a Young Women's President. There was always a reason why I couldn't do it, so I just forbid myself to think of it. Most of the time that worked, but every once in a while, the feeling would pop up again, and I would struggle to stuff it back in the 'forbidden desires' box.

This time, I decided to entertain the idea. Yes, I'm back in the Young Women's program, but I'm not the president, at least. I'm just the camp director. So I began seriously considering having very bright hair. I thought about which color, what pattern, and what cut I'd like to go with it. And I thought about all the reasons why I want colored hair, and all the reason's why I shouldn't want colored hair. I wondered how I could call myself faithful if I knowingly went against a prophet's counsel to be moderate in our appearance. (Fire orange with blue tips is anything but moderate!)

I realized that my desire for colored hair had more to do with trying to push people's stereotypes or expectations off of me. I want to do things because I feel they're important, not because other people think I should.

That's about when I had a mini identity crisis, trying to figure out if I am who I am because I want to be, or because other people say I ought to be. After much wrestling around within myself, I realized I really want to be who I am. And I really want to follow my prophet's counsel. And I really don't want fire orange hair with blue tips (even if I do love orange and blue together). :)

I've discovered a new passion to be who I am. To check with myself about whether I'm doing something to be true to myself and the values I hold dear, or to please someone else. It's liberating, exciting, and a bit stressful.

To celebrate my new found identity, I decided to get a new hair style, if not a new hair color. Something fresh, something different from what I'd ever done with my hair before. So I did. And I like it.

I think my secret obsession with dying my hair is finally laid to rest, never again to rise. I finally looked it right in the eyes and looked myself right in the soul and realized I just want liberation from stereotypes and boxy expectations. And that's something no hair color could ever give me. Whew. Glad I figured that out before, and not after I 'took the plunge'.